Shit-storm coming


As soon as I landed in my country, with filth all around the airport, smelly toilet, and overcrowded species I felt this sick pain in my stomach. Little did I know about the shit storm that would start.

Everyone looked at me suspiciously when I entered the house, I knew something was up. I already had to cut my plans short and wasn’t willing to deal with the negative energy surrounding me, it’s here in my own country, own city, own neighborhood, own family that I feel the most negative energy that one can tolerate.

While having a conversation with my narcissistic mother, her paranoia knows no bounds, that’s why I always avoided having any discussions with her. I find out she reported me to the police ! making up stories in her head, that I will do evil things. She made up stories to the police, that I hadn’t told her where I was going (a lie), even though the phone records show that I called her. As expected the law enforcement, came to my home as soon as I bought a new pc, and searched my whole room, took my laptop, pc, passports, pen drives, then I was escorted to the station where I had to spend the whole night.

As I was sitting in the air-conditioned unit of the detective branch station, I was thinking I should have expected this from my own mother, it didn’t surprise me that she would do something like this, but going through this whole experience has taken it’s toll. In the morning officers questioned my motive to go to Indonesia, a beautiful paradise, that’s what my reply was. Even though I stopped going to mosque since high school and was non religious, and talked about dangers of some religion in my blog posts, they were suspicious of my motive. The lack of poor unverified intelligence they had was still shocking, which was perpetuated by my mothers paranoia.

Even after several weeks since the incident, I am troubled by my family’s behavior, what other ways are they going to hurt me. I am troubled by the corrupt law enforcement in our country, the poor intelligence, the corrupt practices, punishing innocent victims, as of now my computers, passports are still with the authorities.

Off a cliff

At grade 3 at the time, the math exams were an hour long, I use to finish it half-an hour before the others. Fast forward today and I can barely do basic arithmetic, this is what broken childhood will do to the mind. I remember reading the article about the girl who was a mathematical genius but became an escort, naturally I assumed that she is a nymphomaniac. Now having reflected on the story this is a sad case of childhood abuse that people can barely understand.


The abuser and abused sitting side by side, the public thinks, such a young girl getting admitted at Oxford is incredible and her family is outstanding. Reality is quite different, especially for asian families, in most cases the family puts immense pressure on gifted children to perform mental feats only a mature brain is capable of handling. Also asian families value their social standing and ‘reputation’ very carefully, and putting their children at an ivy league college is considered honorable.

I often see child prodigies getting admitted at ivy league institutions very early on, and this is a big mistake by colleges, although the child is capable of doing those specific tasks in the academic arena, they are not fully matured enough to deal with the responsibilities and roles that comes in an environment designed for adults. This is why I often see bizarre things called ‘safe spaces’, banning ‘controversial’ speakers, because the kids are not fully matured to even be in college. Oxford is just as irresponsible as her half-wit parents to accept Sufiah Yusof and her demise to destruction.

Her family is interracial, her mother is Malaysian, and her dad is Pakistani. For those who don’t know Pakistani people are the shit-hole of humanity that exists in this world, they are far gross than any race in this world. Both of them are strict religious ideologues, and in a religion which has a history of child abuse, and the father being a paki-filth was the abuser, he was arrested for abusing two other girls. Culturally and religiously pakistani’s have a tradition of incest, abuse, murder which they justify specifically due to religion.

Path to destruction started by her family, her dad no doubt a pathological predator, and training to excel at academia requires plenty of sacrifice, which children should not be forced to do. Even a prodigy is also a child, and proper upbringing will ensure both work and leisure balance, no doubt she never had that opportunity. Plenty of celebrity stars had faced this dilemma, without proper guidance they exhibit bizarre behavior, one is Miley Cyrus, and in this case of Sufia Yusof, who turned to escort.


On top of that you have a society that is pushing these kids to excel, either academically, athletically, or entertainment wise. After all this is just entertainment, the public’s appetite at the cost of a child’s life.

Standing in line

Standing in line inside a government building for hours, hundreds of eager peasants looking for confirmation from bureaucrats to move along. One group I was focused on was a women with her two sons, they were standing before me, always arguing with one another, it reminded me of my family.

Anytime one is dealing with public institutions, especially in countries in south east asia, bureaucracy is the name of the game. What should only take several minutes lasts up to several hours; standing among the mass of humanity spending my time observing people’s behavior.

The family I focused on, was always bickering, questioning, constantly shuffling the papers, it was mostly done by the mother. She kept making changes to her form, putting on a new picture, changing it after every hour. All this clearly annoyed both of her sons, both of them getting into heated arguments with their mother. The women was elderly, perhaps stressed out, but boasting her credentials to not only her children but other people who were nearby.

She was making a scene, wanting all the attention to herself, garner as much sympathy from others, at one instance her son slapped down her papers, clearly irritated that she will not follow the instructions, rather she made her point that she will do whatever she wants.

This is what’s known as ‘Munchhausen syndrome‘, garnering sympathy and attention, by playing victim, using identity politics, political correctness and various other means. Humans are capable of such manipulation, deception that very few animals can rival.

No Breakfast


What started my interests in breakfast was looking at the hundreds of images of animals on cereal boxes,  it was enough to make me crave for those delicious sweet munchies. But it is a beloved meal that I no longer take these days.

Growing up during my childhood, I had all kinds of unhealthy snacks for my morning meal, it was usually ‘snacks’ not a proper meal. I remember taking sweet biscuits, left overs from yesterday night, yet I was never given a decent meal. Both my parents had freshly made bread and usually vegetables, however none was ever given to me. Only, in rare occasions when guests came over was I given, or when there was a holiday.

Just think for a minute, I was only given a decent meal, when guests/relatives used to come over, or when there was a public holiday, the rest of the days, I just ate whatever snack I could find, and it was mostly unhealthy stuff like biscuits. It sounds like the script of harry potter novel, but this was my reality.

On the rare occasions I got the chance to have my favorite breakfast, which is perfectly cooked poached eggs, with toasted bread, it felt so heavenly. There are people who like morning food, to jump start the day, I was one of them. My parents always gave me ‘excuses’ like there is no need to have any morning meal, which may be the case, but to neglect my needs by not giving me any meals, is abuse.

Don’t Listen


“If there is a kid out there, told by a parent, a coach, a teacher, somebody they look up to, somebody that’s supposed to push them, and believe in them, and they are told no. Don’t listen to them.” CM Punk after his ufc debut.

Going from ‘pro-wrestling’ show business to ‘combat’ sports has been a journey for Punk, in fact his life has been an uphill task, which he has been able to overcome. Coming from an abusive family, which he left, and going on the road is extremely challenging for those who have faced this path, a path that can take you to places in your mind one can never imagine.

Parents, teachers and the community that is supposed to help and aid people, has been torn down. Getting to the root of the issue, the society has been individualized, where competition decides fate, it will bring out the worst characteristics of humans. There is a side to humans, that is sadistic, narcissistic, egotistic, which has been the norm currently.

Listening to one his infamous promo on a live show, was shocking as he went after the company, the employees, as one can expect in a ‘entertainment’ industry. He did the right thing, when he left his family; he did the right thing when he dropped bomb shell on a live show; he did the right thing to move over to combat sports, because the one thing he didn’t do was listen to people who only told him ‘no’.

Forgetting Faces


One of the problems with PTSD, is you tend to forget things, particular aspects in life that have been shut down. Denial and not being able to able to deal with a traumatic event, will cause the mind to just shut down. This is an automatic mechanism that our body has produced in order to ensure our survival in harsh conditions.

Many people that I know, or have encountered with, will often look at me with amusement, because I simply couldn’t remember or know them when I see them in public. This happened when I saw a childhood friend recently. As she was walking by she looked at me straight in the eyes, and smiled at me, but I couldn’t remember her ! People who deal with ptsd, stress, depression can only understand the situation.

Whenever I am walking in public, and there are millions of people here in our city, you tend to not remember a lot of faces, combine this with depression, you often don’t want to remember them. Disassociation is due to the stress of my environment, my trauma, my pain.

The interesting thing is, this doesn’t just apply to trauma victims, because I once walked right past one of my colleague, smiled at him, yet he didn’t even acknowledge me and he doesn’t suffer from ptsd, depression. Later when I asked him about this, he said he was under severe stress, meeting deadlines, going to meetings, the usual stressful office work.

There are those like me, who will forget a lot of familiar faces due to ptsd, and then there are others who will forget due to stress. Question now is stress the problem for our ills, or the people who create a stressful society, I fear it’s both.

Manipulative Monk

One can picture most Buddhist monks as generally peaceful, pious, uninterested in materialism. One can see why herds of westerners flock to temples and mountains to practice the life of monks.

This event was a long while ago, I had just arrived in London, it was only just a couple of weeks and I found it very difficult to settle. I went to the park to clear my mind, as I was walking across a bridge and came across a monk, I greeted him, and I asked what he was doing here, he replied he was here on a cultural function. As he was talking, he had a rather peculiar way about him, not the typical, peaceful low speaking voice, rather he was very loud, obnoxious, moving his arms a lot.

He then invited me to his place, for some religious event. As he mentioned the religious praying would clear the mind, bring luck, keep away evil, at first this sounded good because I had just arrived to a new place. However, I was apprehensive about this situation, because he kept on insisting that I come. He somehow manged to get my number, as I wasn’t sure if I would go.

A couple of days later he called me to know if I will come to the event, I again gave excuses to not go. I realized something was very odd here, he kept on calling for the same reason. Then one day, as I took his call, this weird bizarre noise was coming from the background, he was murmuring some cryptic words that I had no clue about, and it went on for several minutes.

Monks usually spend their time in celibacy, as they want to avoid all ‘sinful’ activities including women. This confinement of their natural impulse has resulted in them doing other perverted acts, not for all but for some. This is same for all other religious groups, they have gone to other perversion by shutting down their natural behavior.

For many of the criminals, crooks and predators usually go to Europe or other countries to escape their crime. Europe and especially UK grants asylum to these crooks, yes for them it’s their ‘get out of country’ visa card. I knew why the monk was here, as he called me again, I told him the police will be notified, and he no longer called. As I was waiting for the bus, I suddenly saw him and was just as shocked to see me. He didn’t get on the bus neither did I, as I got out my phone, I saw him jump on the bus as the doors were about to close.

Many people trust religious people, and they have reasons to trust. However, they need to realize that there are some who will use religion as a means to and end. Aspects of the ideology enable them to do evil, to bring out very different behaviors. People should be able to question others regardless of their identity.

Masking trauma

Last night as I was drinking coke, the more I drank the more I craved for it. I was thinking about getting another bottle to satisfy my lust for the drink, but finishing one bottle meant getting another one and so on. I was sitting and saying to myself, it’s me that is only craving for it but others are not.

Trauma is a complex psychological condition to those who suffer abuse & pain, dealing with the stresses in society, according to Dr. Gabor Mate (video below). Addiction is a temporary relief and pleasure, but on the long term has negative consequences of the behavior. Most people think addiction is only drugs or sex, but it’s everywhere around us. Every time you see someone : smoking, shopping constantly, gambling, using internet, playing games, working out obsessively, etc.. are all symptoms of addiction.

Childhood abuse causes massive trauma, so the connections in the brain don’t develop properly, so either drugs or the addictive behavior one does rewards the system in the brain, this reward for the craving is the sole reason for addiction. I got hooked up on playing games and using internet during high school, so as to keep myself busy from loneliness. As I couldn’t deal with my pain, I rewarded my system, by sitting in front of a pc being hooked online, it became an obsession.

One can distinguish between addiction and actual temporary relief. When I used to go to the gym, it was to get fit and spend my free time, but there were others who were obsessively working out, making sure they come everyday, do specific sets, constantly looking at the mirror, to them working out became an obsession. It didn’t matter to me, if I missed the gym for a whole week, but to them they were depressed if they missed a single day. This is what I came to realize when I lived abroad during my studies, it gave me a third person view of my life, and I didn’t realize my addiction, and what I was missing out: dealing with pain.

Dealing with trauma, is a painful process, and for us we need help from others, and its difficult to explain the situation or circumstances for the addiction, because our current society enables cravings. Connecting with others, someone one can trust, to share and feel compassion is a critical component to dealing with one’s abuse, and rather than masking the trauma, being forthright is the only way.

Walking away

I just woke up today and checked my phone, there I see this video below and it reminded me why I no longer follow any archaic religion.

This women is in a movie theater, and she is praying right beside a movie poster, as well as in front of gates which also has posters. I am thinking to myself what lengths will people go to follow such a radical ideology, then I looked at the context of the situation. She is in Canada, a very liberal country, she is showing all the movie goers that she is a faithful and divine, she wants attention, as playing the victim card brings liberals plenty of sympathy.

People use religion to showcase their innocence to the public, painting the picture of how moral they were, at the same time, using parts of the ideology to justify abuse, to justify doing evil. The women in the video wants to get attention, this is called munchausen syndrome. By bringing attention to herself, she is actually mocking people, which is a slap to real abusive victims.

While I was facing horrible physical punishment, I was told by my parents to pray to God, as it can only save you, so I did. When I no longer saw any reason to live, I prayed. When I saw suffering to all the poor people, I prayed so that God will help them. I asked God for help, so that my life would be meaningful, I prayed so that my abusive family would change stop their evil. But nothing happened, I realized people are blindly following a fictional entity, they are following an ideology that has no basis in modern times, an ideology that makes people accept evil being done to them, so I no longer follow such ideology and walked away.


Growth inside a Prison

kidsplayingLooking at the two children that came to my neighbors place, I recognized something different about them, they were quite small, fear in their eyes, no smile on their face, low pitched laugh coming out of the mouth, limited in their body motion. I remember this vividly in my childhood, because we played together. After they had left, I asked him why are the children so fearful and short ?

He replied, “because their parents don’t love them”

I was confused by his answer, as I myself was a kid at that time and couldn’t figure out; but after nearly a decade his answer is ringing a bell in my head. I didn’t connect the dots at that time, I was a short kid too, and they were also short, they were not as emotionally matured as normal kids are. I kept thinking what stood out, whenever they used to play, or do any sort of thing, their abusive loud mother would scold them, humiliate them, and punish them physically.

Punishing children physically is accepted in our country, so there was nothing the law could do against beating children. At certain times some children may require light punishment, but the problem lies when psychotic parents use the law as a way to physically torture and abuse kids. All the people that I remember who had faced abusive childhood, were either physically small or emotionally immature. That’s not to say that all people who are small or immature faced abuse, but it is an absolute a fact what abusive childhood does to people.

Caring parents create a safe environment for children, this emotional connection they have with their children, provides understanding, empathy, needs. As I was confused, when I heard the word ‘love’ and how it impacts childhood, I recognized there was no ‘emotional‘ connection between me and my parents, it was just behavioral connection, this didn’t allow me to be as emotionally mature. A child’s brain needs constant emotional empathy and care, that releases the growth hormone for physical growth which in turn provides emotional growth.

turma_112When I arrived in London, the center of the financial capital in Europe, to not only explore and do my studies, but also to get away from my family. I realized all this time I had been living in a prison, and being in a prison has taken it’s toll. I couldn’t function in a fast pace environment, I wasn’t mature enough to deal with stress and responsibilities, I didn’t know how to communicate effectively and connect with people, the scars and trauma are too much for me to continue, I am back in the prison, the prison broke me.