Fearlessness

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In the face of so many malevolent acts, in an environment lurking with such tyranny, immense greed, hostility, evil intentions I overlook them. I do not fear this, or am I neglecting it, I have coped with similar situations like this before throughout my life, a mechanism that my body has adjusted itself.

Going way back to our historical past, may provide us with some clue. Out in the wild, humans were exposed to the bare tooth and claw of nature, they had to deal with loads of issues, hostile climate, disease, food, and most importantly other predators lurking in the shadows. It has become an evolutionary trait to counter such hostilities, to be courageous, to cope by adjusting the body mechanisms. These mechanisms provided humans with survival instincts to go through harsh times.

Whenever I see stories of extreme human condition, whether someones climbing icy mountains, running a marathon under the scorching sun, dealing with grievous injuries, or being locked up by an abuser, I am reminded of the survival mode that humans can undergo. It is a reminder that humans can cope extreme conditions and also create hostile situations, it is the best and worst of ourselves, according to biology professor Robert Sapolsky.

It may seem odd, when I say to others that I am not afraid in the face of danger. A mechanism that has taken millions of years to produce, a coping behavior that was bought out due to my abusive past. Whether it will be a survival strategy or cause more harm to me in this modern era is anyone’s guess; will fearlessness be a strength or will it cause undue misuse remain a mystery.

Buried relief

I was abroad, just got a room in a family home stay, after finishing my dinner, I topped up my mobile to call home. Didn’t know what to expect, but I finally got the news, it was shocking to hear it at first, I could barely focus or sleep, and at the same time felt this weight come off my shoulders.

On one hand it is a complex emotion but on the other it is a sigh of relief. It is because of that man, that my life has turned out this way, my father was never the guardian one expects, he is a mastermind of terror, abuse, that destroyed the family. Too many horrors to even put it into words.

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As I was looking at the video of a cult group, it reminded me of my dad, they both had the wide-eye look, both are able to manipulate others by speaking, create confusion and terror by imagining stories. Most importantly they felt the need to be the center of attention.

His game plan was to create chaos, target people to abuse and then make the abuse the abuser. My mother falling for the charming psycho is not a new story, her own diabolical side was only brought out due to my dads influence, thus both of them were partners in crime. He wanted everyone to take care of his needs, if others didnt follow he would torture them, he never felt the pain of others but only caused them pain. 

As I gathered back my thoughts I was glad that a hideous person was gone from this world. I felt this sense of relief from my mind while touring the whole day.

Challenging Recovery

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Having gone through the whole ordeal with my situation, there is always an outcome, sometimes it is both positive and negative, or both, in my case it’s both. Good in the sense, that other people know the ‘two-face’ parasites that have been on my back throughout my life.

This time things had gone to such malevolent level, once people even hear such evil, it breaks them. It’s not easy to be bought up in a family that is full of selfish, narcissistic, psychopaths, it’s even more difficult to convince others of the manipulation, the abuse, the evil that I had to face every day. No one would believe that my parents, who graduated from medical school, are well mannered and articulate in front of others, could do such horrendous things. It looks as if they had been wearing a mask in front of others, and then showing me a different face.

It looks as if they had been wearing a mask in front of others, and then showing me a different face.

Going through depression, sometimes I see my future with hope, and other times I see it as hopelessness. Many times hopelessness came to me, and I was thinking of taking the easy way out, there was no will, no support, nothing for me to see except, when I look back at the scene, how the hell did I go through this shit, I am not supposed to be alive writing this, but here I am still writing, thinking, breathing.

Shit-storm coming

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As soon as I landed in my country, with filth all around the airport, smelly toilet, and overcrowded species I felt this sick pain in my stomach. Little did I know about the shit storm that would start.

Everyone looked at me suspiciously when I entered the house, I knew something was up. I already had to cut my plans short and wasn’t willing to deal with the negative energy surrounding me, it’s here in my own country, own city, own neighborhood, own family that I feel the most negative energy that one can tolerate.

While having a conversation with my narcissistic mother, her paranoia knows no bounds, that’s why I always avoided having any discussions with her. I find out she reported me to the police ! making up stories in her head, that I will do evil things. She made up stories to the police, that I hadn’t told her where I was going (a lie), even though the phone records show that I called her. As expected the law enforcement, came to my home as soon as I bought a new pc, and searched my whole room, took my laptop, pc, passports, pen drives, then I was escorted to the station where I had to spend the whole night.

As I was sitting in the air-conditioned unit of the detective branch station, I was thinking I should have expected this from my own mother, it didn’t surprise me that she would do something like this, but going through this whole experience has taken it’s toll. In the morning officers questioned my motive to go to Indonesia, a beautiful paradise, that’s what my reply was. Even though I stopped going to mosque since high school and was non religious, and talked about dangers of some religion in my blog posts, they were suspicious of my motive. The lack of poor unverified intelligence they had was still shocking, which was perpetuated by my mothers paranoia.

Even after several weeks since the incident, I am troubled by my family’s behavior, what other ways are they going to hurt me. I am troubled by the corrupt law enforcement in our country, the poor intelligence, the corrupt practices, punishing innocent victims, as of now my computers, passports are still with the authorities.

Off a cliff

At grade 3 at the time, the math exams were an hour long, I use to finish it half-an hour before the others. Fast forward today and I can barely do basic arithmetic, this is what broken childhood will do to the mind. I remember reading the article about the girl who was a mathematical genius but became an escort, naturally I assumed that she is a nymphomaniac. Now having reflected on the story this is a sad case of childhood abuse that people can barely understand.

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The abuser and abused sitting side by side, the public thinks, such a young girl getting admitted at Oxford is incredible and her family is outstanding. Reality is quite different, especially for asian families, in most cases the family puts immense pressure on gifted children to perform mental feats only a mature brain is capable of handling. Also asian families value their social standing and ‘reputation’ very carefully, and putting their children at an ivy league college is considered honorable.

I often see child prodigies getting admitted at ivy league institutions very early on, and this is a big mistake by colleges, although the child is capable of doing those specific tasks in the academic arena, they are not fully matured enough to deal with the responsibilities and roles that comes in an environment designed for adults. This is why I often see bizarre things called ‘safe spaces’, banning ‘controversial’ speakers, because the kids are not fully matured to even be in college. Oxford is just as irresponsible as her half-wit parents to accept Sufiah Yusof and her demise to destruction.

Her family is interracial, her mother is Malaysian, and her dad is Pakistani. For those who don’t know Pakistani people are the shit-hole of humanity that exists in this world, they are far gross than any race in this world. Both of them are strict religious ideologues, and in a religion which has a history of child abuse, and the father being a paki-filth was the abuser, he was arrested for abusing two other girls. Culturally and religiously pakistani’s have a tradition of incest, abuse, murder which they justify specifically due to religion.

Path to destruction started by her family, her dad no doubt a pathological predator, and training to excel at academia requires plenty of sacrifice, which children should not be forced to do. Even a prodigy is also a child, and proper upbringing will ensure both work and leisure balance, no doubt she never had that opportunity. Plenty of celebrity stars had faced this dilemma, without proper guidance they exhibit bizarre behavior, one is Miley Cyrus, and in this case of Sufia Yusof, who turned to escort.

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On top of that you have a society that is pushing these kids to excel, either academically, athletically, or entertainment wise. After all this is just entertainment, the public’s appetite at the cost of a child’s life.

Don’t Listen

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“If there is a kid out there, told by a parent, a coach, a teacher, somebody they look up to, somebody that’s supposed to push them, and believe in them, and they are told no. Don’t listen to them.” CM Punk after his ufc debut.

Going from ‘pro-wrestling’ show business to ‘combat’ sports has been a journey for Punk, in fact his life has been an uphill task, which he has been able to overcome. Coming from an abusive family, which he left, and going on the road is extremely challenging for those who have faced this path, a path that can take you to places in your mind one can never imagine.

Parents, teachers and the community that is supposed to help and aid people, has been torn down. Getting to the root of the issue, the society has been individualized, where competition decides fate, it will bring out the worst characteristics of humans. There is a side to humans, that is sadistic, narcissistic, egotistic, which has been the norm currently.

Listening to one his infamous promo on a live show, was shocking as he went after the company, the employees, as one can expect in a ‘entertainment’ industry. He did the right thing, when he left his family; he did the right thing when he dropped bomb shell on a live show; he did the right thing to move over to combat sports, because the one thing he didn’t do was listen to people who only told him ‘no’.

Swimming with Sharks

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If you think this movie is about a bad boss, the abuse suffered by the new assistant, the revenge taken, it’s not. Well, not according to the ‘conventional’ movie critics it’s not. This movie goes much deeper into the structures of our society, our relationship with one another, it shows us the hedonistic mechanistic view of modern society, and what people will do to make it through.

Main part of the movie shows the newbie assistant, trying to juggle his responsibilities from an arrogant boss, played by Kevin Spacey. Spacey killed this role, he has played plenty of iconic movie roles, which are not ‘politically correct’, but rather goes to the heart of the issue. Swimming with sharks, has plenty of top movie stars, but it’s a movie the mainstream society will look into disgust, as it tackles ‘controversial’ topics.

The most interesting scene is at the end, when the assistant the boss and a producer are in a room. The producer, has sexual relationships with both the men, and a tense standoff occurs between all three of them. Spacey delivers incredible lines, the script of the movie was done brilliantly, each phase fits well with the scene.

“Everyone lies, good guys loose, and love doesn’t conquer all”, Spacey says as the ending comes to a shocking end. In a commercialized world, where institutions have more power over everyone’s lives, where society values wealth, status, and fame people will bring out their worst instincts to get what they want. This results in a abuse cycle with keeps perpetuating to generations.

Forgetting Faces

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One of the problems with PTSD, is you tend to forget things, particular aspects in life that have been shut down. Denial and not being able to able to deal with a traumatic event, will cause the mind to just shut down. This is an automatic mechanism that our body has produced in order to ensure our survival in harsh conditions.

Many people that I know, or have encountered with, will often look at me with amusement, because I simply couldn’t remember or know them when I see them in public. This happened when I saw a childhood friend recently. As she was walking by she looked at me straight in the eyes, and smiled at me, but I couldn’t remember her ! People who deal with ptsd, stress, depression can only understand the situation.

Whenever I am walking in public, and there are millions of people here in our city, you tend to not remember a lot of faces, combine this with depression, you often don’t want to remember them. Disassociation is due to the stress of my environment, my trauma, my pain.

The interesting thing is, this doesn’t just apply to trauma victims, because I once walked right past one of my colleague, smiled at him, yet he didn’t even acknowledge me and he doesn’t suffer from ptsd, depression. Later when I asked him about this, he said he was under severe stress, meeting deadlines, going to meetings, the usual stressful office work.

There are those like me, who will forget a lot of familiar faces due to ptsd, and then there are others who will forget due to stress. Question now is stress the problem for our ills, or the people who create a stressful society, I fear it’s both.

Manipulative Monk

One can picture most Buddhist monks as generally peaceful, pious, uninterested in materialism. One can see why herds of westerners flock to temples and mountains to practice the life of monks.

This event was a long while ago, I had just arrived in London, it was only just a couple of weeks and I found it very difficult to settle. I went to the park to clear my mind, as I was walking across a bridge and came across a monk, I greeted him, and I asked what he was doing here, he replied he was here on a cultural function. As he was talking, he had a rather peculiar way about him, not the typical, peaceful low speaking voice, rather he was very loud, obnoxious, moving his arms a lot.

He then invited me to his place, for some religious event. As he mentioned the religious praying would clear the mind, bring luck, keep away evil, at first this sounded good because I had just arrived to a new place. However, I was apprehensive about this situation, because he kept on insisting that I come. He somehow manged to get my number, as I wasn’t sure if I would go.

A couple of days later he called me to know if I will come to the event, I again gave excuses to not go. I realized something was very odd here, he kept on calling for the same reason. Then one day, as I took his call, this weird bizarre noise was coming from the background, he was murmuring some cryptic words that I had no clue about, and it went on for several minutes.

Monks usually spend their time in celibacy, as they want to avoid all ‘sinful’ activities including women. This confinement of their natural impulse has resulted in them doing other perverted acts, not for all but for some. This is same for all other religious groups, they have gone to other perversion by shutting down their natural behavior.

For many of the criminals, crooks and predators usually go to Europe or other countries to escape their crime. Europe and especially UK grants asylum to these crooks, yes for them it’s their ‘get out of country’ visa card. I knew why the monk was here, as he called me again, I told him the police will be notified, and he no longer called. As I was waiting for the bus, I suddenly saw him and was just as shocked to see me. He didn’t get on the bus neither did I, as I got out my phone, I saw him jump on the bus as the doors were about to close.

Many people trust religious people, and they have reasons to trust. However, they need to realize that there are some who will use religion as a means to and end. Aspects of the ideology enable them to do evil, to bring out very different behaviors. People should be able to question others regardless of their identity.

Masking trauma

Last night as I was drinking coke, the more I drank the more I craved for it. I was thinking about getting another bottle to satisfy my lust for the drink, but finishing one bottle meant getting another one and so on. I was sitting and saying to myself, it’s me that is only craving for it but others are not.

Trauma is a complex psychological condition to those who suffer abuse & pain, dealing with the stresses in society, according to Dr. Gabor Mate (video below). Addiction is a temporary relief and pleasure, but on the long term has negative consequences of the behavior. Most people think addiction is only drugs or sex, but it’s everywhere around us. Every time you see someone : smoking, shopping constantly, gambling, using internet, playing games, working out obsessively, etc.. are all symptoms of addiction.

Childhood abuse causes massive trauma, so the connections in the brain don’t develop properly, so either drugs or the addictive behavior one does rewards the system in the brain, this reward for the craving is the sole reason for addiction. I got hooked up on playing games and using internet during high school, so as to keep myself busy from loneliness. As I couldn’t deal with my pain, I rewarded my system, by sitting in front of a pc being hooked online, it became an obsession.

One can distinguish between addiction and actual temporary relief. When I used to go to the gym, it was to get fit and spend my free time, but there were others who were obsessively working out, making sure they come everyday, do specific sets, constantly looking at the mirror, to them working out became an obsession. It didn’t matter to me, if I missed the gym for a whole week, but to them they were depressed if they missed a single day. This is what I came to realize when I lived abroad during my studies, it gave me a third person view of my life, and I didn’t realize my addiction, and what I was missing out: dealing with pain.

Dealing with trauma, is a painful process, and for us we need help from others, and its difficult to explain the situation or circumstances for the addiction, because our current society enables cravings. Connecting with others, someone one can trust, to share and feel compassion is a critical component to dealing with one’s abuse, and rather than masking the trauma, being forthright is the only way.