Challenging Recovery

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Having gone through the whole ordeal with my situation, there is always an outcome, sometimes it is both positive and negative, or both, in my case it’s both. Good in the sense, that other people know the ‘two-face’ parasites that have been on my back throughout my life.

This time things had gone to such malevolent level, once people even hear such evil, it breaks them. It’s not easy to be bought up in a family that is full of selfish, narcissistic, psychopaths, it’s even more difficult to convince others of the manipulation, the abuse, the evil that I had to face every day. No one would believe that my parents, who graduated from medical school, are well mannered and articulate in front of others, could do such horrendous things. It looks as if they had been wearing a mask in front of others, and then showing me a different face.

It looks as if they had been wearing a mask in front of others, and then showing me a different face.

Going through depression, sometimes I see my future with hope, and other times I see it as hopelessness. Many times hopelessness came to me, and I was thinking of taking the easy way out, there was no will, no support, nothing for me to see except, when I look back at the scene, how the hell did I go through this shit, I am not supposed to be alive writing this, but here I am still writing, thinking, breathing.

Forgetting Faces

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One of the problems with PTSD, is you tend to forget things, particular aspects in life that have been shut down. Denial and not being able to able to deal with a traumatic event, will cause the mind to just shut down. This is an automatic mechanism that our body has produced in order to ensure our survival in harsh conditions.

Many people that I know, or have encountered with, will often look at me with amusement, because I simply couldn’t remember or know them when I see them in public. This happened when I saw a childhood friend recently. As she was walking by she looked at me straight in the eyes, and smiled at me, but I couldn’t remember her ! People who deal with ptsd, stress, depression can only understand the situation.

Whenever I am walking in public, and there are millions of people here in our city, you tend to not remember a lot of faces, combine this with depression, you often don’t want to remember them. Disassociation is due to the stress of my environment, my trauma, my pain.

The interesting thing is, this doesn’t just apply to trauma victims, because I once walked right past one of my colleague, smiled at him, yet he didn’t even acknowledge me and he doesn’t suffer from ptsd, depression. Later when I asked him about this, he said he was under severe stress, meeting deadlines, going to meetings, the usual stressful office work.

There are those like me, who will forget a lot of familiar faces due to ptsd, and then there are others who will forget due to stress. Question now is stress the problem for our ills, or the people who create a stressful society, I fear it’s both.

Masking trauma

Last night as I was drinking coke, the more I drank the more I craved for it. I was thinking about getting another bottle to satisfy my lust for the drink, but finishing one bottle meant getting another one and so on. I was sitting and saying to myself, it’s me that is only craving for it but others are not.

Trauma is a complex psychological condition to those who suffer abuse & pain, dealing with the stresses in society, according to Dr. Gabor Mate (video below). Addiction is a temporary relief and pleasure, but on the long term has negative consequences of the behavior. Most people think addiction is only drugs or sex, but it’s everywhere around us. Every time you see someone : smoking, shopping constantly, gambling, using internet, playing games, working out obsessively, etc.. are all symptoms of addiction.

Childhood abuse causes massive trauma, so the connections in the brain don’t develop properly, so either drugs or the addictive behavior one does rewards the system in the brain, this reward for the craving is the sole reason for addiction. I got hooked up on playing games and using internet during high school, so as to keep myself busy from loneliness. As I couldn’t deal with my pain, I rewarded my system, by sitting in front of a pc being hooked online, it became an obsession.

One can distinguish between addiction and actual temporary relief. When I used to go to the gym, it was to get fit and spend my free time, but there were others who were obsessively working out, making sure they come everyday, do specific sets, constantly looking at the mirror, to them working out became an obsession. It didn’t matter to me, if I missed the gym for a whole week, but to them they were depressed if they missed a single day. This is what I came to realize when I lived abroad during my studies, it gave me a third person view of my life, and I didn’t realize my addiction, and what I was missing out: dealing with pain.

Dealing with trauma, is a painful process, and for us we need help from others, and its difficult to explain the situation or circumstances for the addiction, because our current society enables cravings. Connecting with others, someone one can trust, to share and feel compassion is a critical component to dealing with one’s abuse, and rather than masking the trauma, being forthright is the only way.