No Breakfast

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What started my interests in breakfast was looking at the hundreds of images of animals on cereal boxes,  it was enough to make me crave for those delicious sweet munchies. But it is a beloved meal that I no longer take these days.

Growing up during my childhood, I had all kinds of unhealthy snacks for my morning meal, it was usually ‘snacks’ not a proper meal. I remember taking sweet biscuits, left overs from yesterday night, yet I was never given a decent meal. Both my parents had freshly made bread and usually vegetables, however none was ever given to me. Only, in rare occasions when guests came over was I given, or when there was a holiday.

Just think for a minute, I was only given a decent meal, when guests/relatives used to come over, or when there was a public holiday, the rest of the days, I just ate whatever snack I could find, and it was mostly unhealthy stuff like biscuits. It sounds like the script of harry potter novel, but this was my reality.

On the rare occasions I got the chance to have my favorite breakfast, which is perfectly cooked poached eggs, with toasted bread, it felt so heavenly. There are people who like morning food, to jump start the day, I was one of them. My parents always gave me ‘excuses’ like there is no need to have any morning meal, which may be the case, but to neglect my needs by not giving me any meals, is abuse.

Don’t Listen

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“If there is a kid out there, told by a parent, a coach, a teacher, somebody they look up to, somebody that’s supposed to push them, and believe in them, and they are told no. Don’t listen to them.” CM Punk after his ufc debut.

Going from ‘pro-wrestling’ show business to ‘combat’ sports has been a journey for Punk, in fact his life has been an uphill task, which he has been able to overcome. Coming from an abusive family, which he left, and going on the road is extremely challenging for those who have faced this path, a path that can take you to places in your mind one can never imagine.

Parents, teachers and the community that is supposed to help and aid people, has been torn down. Getting to the root of the issue, the society has been individualized, where competition decides fate, it will bring out the worst characteristics of humans. There is a side to humans, that is sadistic, narcissistic, egotistic, which has been the norm currently.

Listening to one his infamous promo on a live show, was shocking as he went after the company, the employees, as one can expect in a ‘entertainment’ industry. He did the right thing, when he left his family; he did the right thing when he dropped bomb shell on a live show; he did the right thing to move over to combat sports, because the one thing he didn’t do was listen to people who only told him ‘no’.

Forgetting Faces

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One of the problems with PTSD, is you tend to forget things, particular aspects in life that have been shut down. Denial and not being able to able to deal with a traumatic event, will cause the mind to just shut down. This is an automatic mechanism that our body has produced in order to ensure our survival in harsh conditions.

Many people that I know, or have encountered with, will often look at me with amusement, because I simply couldn’t remember or know them when I see them in public. This happened when I saw a childhood friend recently. As she was walking by she looked at me straight in the eyes, and smiled at me, but I couldn’t remember her ! People who deal with ptsd, stress, depression can only understand the situation.

Whenever I am walking in public, and there are millions of people here in our city, you tend to not remember a lot of faces, combine this with depression, you often don’t want to remember them. Disassociation is due to the stress of my environment, my trauma, my pain.

The interesting thing is, this doesn’t just apply to trauma victims, because I once walked right past one of my colleague, smiled at him, yet he didn’t even acknowledge me and he doesn’t suffer from ptsd, depression. Later when I asked him about this, he said he was under severe stress, meeting deadlines, going to meetings, the usual stressful office work.

There are those like me, who will forget a lot of familiar faces due to ptsd, and then there are others who will forget due to stress. Question now is stress the problem for our ills, or the people who create a stressful society, I fear it’s both.

Masking trauma

Last night as I was drinking coke, the more I drank the more I craved for it. I was thinking about getting another bottle to satisfy my lust for the drink, but finishing one bottle meant getting another one and so on. I was sitting and saying to myself, it’s me that is only craving for it but others are not.

Trauma is a complex psychological condition to those who suffer abuse & pain, dealing with the stresses in society, according to Dr. Gabor Mate (video below). Addiction is a temporary relief and pleasure, but on the long term has negative consequences of the behavior. Most people think addiction is only drugs or sex, but it’s everywhere around us. Every time you see someone : smoking, shopping constantly, gambling, using internet, playing games, working out obsessively, etc.. are all symptoms of addiction.

Childhood abuse causes massive trauma, so the connections in the brain don’t develop properly, so either drugs or the addictive behavior one does rewards the system in the brain, this reward for the craving is the sole reason for addiction. I got hooked up on playing games and using internet during high school, so as to keep myself busy from loneliness. As I couldn’t deal with my pain, I rewarded my system, by sitting in front of a pc being hooked online, it became an obsession.

One can distinguish between addiction and actual temporary relief. When I used to go to the gym, it was to get fit and spend my free time, but there were others who were obsessively working out, making sure they come everyday, do specific sets, constantly looking at the mirror, to them working out became an obsession. It didn’t matter to me, if I missed the gym for a whole week, but to them they were depressed if they missed a single day. This is what I came to realize when I lived abroad during my studies, it gave me a third person view of my life, and I didn’t realize my addiction, and what I was missing out: dealing with pain.

Dealing with trauma, is a painful process, and for us we need help from others, and its difficult to explain the situation or circumstances for the addiction, because our current society enables cravings. Connecting with others, someone one can trust, to share and feel compassion is a critical component to dealing with one’s abuse, and rather than masking the trauma, being forthright is the only way.

Growth inside a Prison

kidsplayingLooking at the two children that came to my neighbors place, I recognized something different about them, they were quite small, fear in their eyes, no smile on their face, low pitched laugh coming out of the mouth, limited in their body motion. I remember this vividly in my childhood, because we played together. After they had left, I asked him why are the children so fearful and short ?

He replied, “because their parents don’t love them”

I was confused by his answer, as I myself was a kid at that time and couldn’t figure out; but after nearly a decade his answer is ringing a bell in my head. I didn’t connect the dots at that time, I was a short kid too, and they were also short, they were not as emotionally matured as normal kids are. I kept thinking what stood out, whenever they used to play, or do any sort of thing, their abusive loud mother would scold them, humiliate them, and punish them physically.

Punishing children physically is accepted in our country, so there was nothing the law could do against beating children. At certain times some children may require light punishment, but the problem lies when psychotic parents use the law as a way to physically torture and abuse kids. All the people that I remember who had faced abusive childhood, were either physically small or emotionally immature. That’s not to say that all people who are small or immature faced abuse, but it is an absolute a fact what abusive childhood does to people.

Caring parents create a safe environment for children, this emotional connection they have with their children, provides understanding, empathy, needs. As I was confused, when I heard the word ‘love’ and how it impacts childhood, I recognized there was no ‘emotional‘ connection between me and my parents, it was just behavioral connection, this didn’t allow me to be as emotionally mature. A child’s brain needs constant emotional empathy and care, that releases the growth hormone for physical growth which in turn provides emotional growth.

turma_112When I arrived in London, the center of the financial capital in Europe, to not only explore and do my studies, but also to get away from my family. I realized all this time I had been living in a prison, and being in a prison has taken it’s toll. I couldn’t function in a fast pace environment, I wasn’t mature enough to deal with stress and responsibilities, I didn’t know how to communicate effectively and connect with people, the scars and trauma are too much for me to continue, I am back in the prison, the prison broke me.

Emotional Explosion

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There is evil, in this world, whether people want to admit it or not. They are in our everyday lives, everyday decisions, everywhere you look, but people simply don’t understand evil. Post-modernists say evil is what the environment creates, no person is born evil.

Saying that evil is only created by the environment, is like saying that parasites are created, but this is not true according to professionals. Neuroscience, has been studying evil people, people who have committed hideous crimes. According to experts, they have a different brain pattern and wiring than the rest of the population; they are psychopaths.

Contrary to what the media defines, especially movies and tv shows, psychopaths very rarely tend to be murderers, serial killers, it is very rare and a small percentage of them are extremely violent. Psychopaths are master manipulators, they are extremely charming, they are world class liars, if there ever was a lying competition, they will win hands down. They will lie, steal, use people for sex, drugs, money.

Whether, you are working in any organization of more than 30 people, chances are you will come across them, there are various degrees of psychopathy, from the extreme to the borderline, but one thing is common among them they will use people to get what they want. In an organization, especially where narcissism is prevalent, such as in entertainment, politics, finance you will find plenty of these predators.

Unlike crimes like theft, battery, scam, which are easy to catch and prosecute, psychopaths employ a different tactic, emotional manipulation. These parasites, will destroy people emotionally, now to the casual person this seems absurd, can people be hurt emotionally ?  don’t people get hurt emotionally when they have lost or felt someone ? but for these predators, they feel no emotional pain, as they lack empathy. Empathy is what you feel, but for psychopaths they don’t have emotional empathy in their brain, so what they do is they mimic other people to respond to situations, this is called cognitive empathy.

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Having lived with psychopaths, I never could understand the things that they did to me, until I started researching this topic, and finally found the right term and definitions to describe them. All these years, I felt manipulated, lied, cheated used by them for their own selfish desires, it’s as if they planted an bomb in my head. Terrorist’s plant bombs to destroy people, psychopaths plant bombs in the mind; however terrorists are prosecuted and face consequences for their action, whereas psychopaths get away with it.

Sleepless Nights

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My eyes wide open, it’s almost 2:00 am and I suddenly find myself thinking what am I doing with my life ? What is happening to me ? This is not the way it is supposed to be.

Over the last couple of years, this event has been reoccurring more frequently, more viciously. This is the result of a traumatic past in my childhood, or what’s known as PTSD. When I heard about PTSD in the media, by psychologists I thought this is just another pseudo-term for people who are weak minded; people who complain about seats when driving their BMW, people who travel in jumbo jets and criticize the wifi connection. Until I began to explore my behaviors from my childhood into adulthood, I noticed the odd behaviors, mood swings, feeling empty, all of this explained PTSD.

The beginning to discover my childhood is a traumatic event, it’s what was swept under the rug, mainly because my parents always sort of sidelined the abuses that I had incurred in their hands. They were masters of gaslighting, they manipulated their way around the situation, they always blamed me for all the faults in my life.

I began to think in my memory, which was manipulated in so many ways, until it hit me straight in the face, why did other family members wanted to ‘adopt’ me, they wanted to take care of me, both family members from either side saw the errors of my parents early on, which I hadn’t realized before.

Until it hit me straight in the face, why did other family members wanted to ‘adopt’ me

It’s a long story, and mentioning the abuse and impact on me will take too much space, but this article sums up what I face regularly.